I‘m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of on my own. Al Green, who was totally f*ckable in his youth, in my opinion, made a billboard hit about something we’ve all feared and experienced: loneliness.
Usually I keep things light and sexy on here but the purpose of this blog is to capture the facet of emotions we go through as people who are trying to figure shit out. Yes, I prefer to look at things through the lens of sex but some emotions transcend pleasure. I’m going to keep it real, I’m no stranger to loneliness in a physical and emotional sense. Lonely is a sneaky bastard, there’s usually no forewarning and because you’re caught off guard, attacks always land because you don’t think to defend yourself against an enemy you didn’t see coming.
Humans are social creatures, that’s common knowledge but what isn’t known is how impactful loneliness is on our lives when we’re anchored down by it. It may not have a face but don’t get it twisted, lonely is not a silent threat, the effects of such a feeling manifest everywhere. Your social life, your sex life, self care, career, you name it; everything can eventually be tied back to that feeling. And if you’re anything like me, when you realize whats crept into your heart, you try and buck against its hold; utilize all your tools to escape the inevitable.
I’ve tried everything I could think of to dodge the worse of loneliness. Allow myself to enjoy lustful gazes upon my form from strangers, demand praise and lips and teeth upon my skin from partners who will always validate my existence in this world, rely upon the company of close friends in an attempt to steal their carefree nature, but escaping ourselves is impossible. As with most things in life, lonely demands attention and until you confront it, it will rest comfortably inside you.
There’s been a surprising amount of resources dedicated to studying what science deemed a “loneliness epidemic”. I can talk about all the research and how they’ve identified certain neurons to specific centers of the brain that encourage loneliness, ah the brain: the center of wonder and pain. That’s not my point though, my point is, I think they’re wrong. Science is a practical, evidence based practice and considering how cerebral I am, I can usually appreciate that quality, but in matters such as this, when logic holds little value, I think an approach that doesn’t involve electric stimulation therapy and pharmaceutical intervention is best. It’s hard to hear but I’ve found it to be true: you can only heal from things you’re willing to feel.
I’m no expert, I don’t profess to be but I’ve spent years asking myself these questions (even more years in and out of therapy) and this truth holds up well with many tumultuous emotions, loneliness especially. Loneliness and anger share an important quality: they cannot exist without a vessel. They are reactive emotions thus, they cannot appear until there is something to latch onto. Loneliness is rarely unaccompanied, if anything, it’s indicative of a void in your life that went unattended until the dread of lonely filled its gap. Sitting down with loneliness, having a conversation with it can usually provide insight as to why it felt invited into your space.
Maybe you were dissatisfied in your close friendships or felt distance in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. Maybe your favorite coworker starts going to lunch with someone else or you find your home to be lacking. Maybe everything is going well externally but you have neglected trauma you need healing from; whatever the case may be, the sooner its vessel is acknowledged, the sooner you will be rid of that dark anchor.
DISCLAIMER: This is not to discredit or invalidate mental health concerns in any way. I’m well aware there are mental illnesses that can spur on feelings of loneliness (Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, etc) but I’m referring to instances outside of the pathology of such disorders. I’ll link some resources at the end of my post for those in need.
I wish there was a way to stop the behavior we all fall victim to sometimes, the isolation, the desperation for external validation, the doubt and fear of never knowing a reality without this feeling. It will pass because things that do not serve you cannot have permanence in your life, I promise. And if you’ve come out of this funk worried about spiraling down the drain again, be proactive.
Create a comprehensive, doable self-care checklist. Clean your spaces, remove the clutter and chaos in your environment and invite that cleanliness into your spirit. Check in with yourself and don’t ignore your needs until you feel too overwhelmed to meet them and for goodness sake, allow yourself to feel emotions but don’t dwell on them. Validate its presence then move on, there are moves to make, bags to chase and orgasms to have.
I feel its appropriate to share an item on my self care checklist which is a playlist. The taste and genres vary but the gist is that they’re all no skip songs that never cease to make me feel as good as the first listen. You can listen, compare songs and if you put someone on to some of these records, shout out the blog!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline #: 1-800-273-TALK
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
For Veterans: http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ 1-800-273-8255
Substance Abuse & Mental Health: http://www.samhsa.gov/
For LGBTQ+ : http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/
For College Students: http://www.jedfoundation.org/