This post is very important to me, I’d say it’s more important than anything I’ve posted so far. I’m about to get real intimate with ya’ll real quick. It brings me excitement… and anxiety because a new leaf is turning for us. I’ve been writing this blog and sharing these stories with you guys for a couple of months now and there’s been a natural progression to my method of storytelling. I’m deciding to use this creative freedom to speak on the largest part of my sex/ relationship life.
Power is the basis of sexual activity, whether we acknowledge it or not. There’s always a level of exchange involved, energies and roles are established overtly or through nuanced behavior. Once I acknowledged that power, I sexualized it and found a loving community within BDSM. I’ll speak on that more later but for now I want to talk about why power gets us so erotically charged.
So studies have been done on the psychology of nearly everything including why we’re attracted to power and “authority figures”. We all know the cliches: rich/poor, teacher/student, cop/criminal etc. The research suggest that we’ve been introduced to and taught to acknowledge power since childhood (deferring decisions to adults, listening to teachers or elders yada-yada) and as we grow due to circumstances, we either feel powerful, powerless or somewhere in between. That makes sense doesn’t it? We’ve all known the “control freak” who under further inspection controls everything because that’s how they maintain power they’ve never had over their lives.
All of that is valid but what’s more interesting is the “why” of our behavior. It can be explained quite simply, we project our power (or lack there of) on the people around us. We all possess power but most of us project it onto others, basically, someone is more powerful because you choose to make them powerful by deferring your power to them and that may sound upsetting but in the context of consensual sex, it’s pretty damn hot.
This brings me back to my original point, how BDSM plays into this truth and my life. I’ll go more in depth at some point about BDSM and all the kinkliscious fun out there but for now I’ll do a little 101. BDSM is an acronym popularized in the 80’s and it stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism, D/s can also stand for Dominance/submission but the point is BDSM is all about a power exchange.
BDSM works because it’s a community of sex positive people who capitalize on and find sexual pleasure in relinquishing or holding the power we carelessly give away everyday. I’m a very active member in the BDSM community, where there are terms for any and everything, but I’m what’s considered a switch which is a term used for people who can/will be both Dominant and submissive during play. In other words, I can be found on either side of a paddle, rope or pleasantly painful device of torture.
My introduction to BDSM was nothing short of amazing. I was feeling very dejected sexually and emotionally because “vanilla” sex (a term used for non kinky sex or relationships) brought me no satisfaction, I knew I was capable of enjoying sex but something was missing. I was rereading one of my favorite series and a character was a Master and a sadist, he had subs and took them to places they didn’t think they could go. It felt like the light bulb in my head was screwed in completely, there was light and hope because I was curious.
I did what I do with most things, researched heavily and formulated a plan to ease myself into this exciting yet intimidating world. There were risk involved but something told me I needed to know why I got this fluttery feeling every time I thought of answering a command or yielding a whip. When I felt confident in my ability to keep my shit together, I decided to look the way most millennials do, the internet. I found a site exclusively for people looking to find bliss in a D/s dynamic.
After I made my profile and wrote a personal ad I waited. It didn’t take long, less than two hours on the site and I already had 5 or so messages, there was excitement and fear which was apparent in my responses. Some were arrogant and demanding, others were charming and perceptive but most of all they affirmed something I didn’t realize I needed, I wasn’t some depraved sexual deviant. The relief that came from being told I was worthy of love and intimacy despite my preference felt like coming home.
I’d never experienced such a level of acceptance before, no matter the kink or fantasy, I wasn’t met with disgust or judgement. Everyone was just allowed to be. I’d also like to stress how important communication and consent is in BDSM, i’m not negating it’s importance in any relationship but it is the basis of a healthy D/s dynamic. SSC or Safe, Sane, Consensual is the principle any responsible kinkster lives by, when someone’s livelihood both emotionally and physically is in your hands, caution and care is a must.
My first play partners name was Aleks, he was a techie from Denmark. We bonded over our mutual interest in video games, horror movies and relative newness to BDSM. He was my first Dom and a damn good one I’d say. He wasn’t much of a sadist despite my need for masochism but he loved orgasm denial, thrived off of it. I’ve had too many scenes at this point to remember much but I distinctly remember my first command “you will not come without permission” it filled me with such warmth and relief because I found what was missing before.
He’d taken away my power because I left it up for grabs. I wasn’t in control anymore because I didn’t want to be and I’d never been more turned on in my life. The heat of lust and surrender felt so otherworldly it’s like I left my body for some celestial plane where there was no disappointment or insecurity, just a primitive need to please him. It took over an hour but when I finally got permission to come, it’s like a dam broke in my chest, I cried real tears because I’d arrived at a feeling I thought would be unacheivable during sex, peace.
The courage and vulnerability it takes to submit is so beautifully strong and palpable, it’s what makes a Dom’s heart swell. My experience as a sub has made me a very considerate Dom, when I took my first sub, he was showered with care and attention. He earned every orgasm and good boy with his willingness to trust I wouldn’t abuse the power he gave me. I still think of him often and am glad I got to thank him for the gift he shared with me.
BDSM can be rewarding as hell and I’m not trying to pitch this or anything (okay, maybe a little bit). It’s not for everyone and I’ve seen it firsthand. All I ask is if someone trust you enough to express their interest/participation in kink, don’t be a dick about it. Go into the conversation with an open mind and you may learn some things about yourself along the way. If anyone reading this needs someone to talk to about BDSM or kink, I’d be happy to chat. My ears are open.
I’m gonna link some great resources if you have an interest in kink, feel free to use them and if you get some orgasms out of it… think of me for a second.